There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
