Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
