There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
