Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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