hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
