So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
