I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
