I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
