hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
