HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but iām ok with it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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