I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
