Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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