you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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