Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
