Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
how does that bad decision feel?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
