My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
