Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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