And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
