I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
