We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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