I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
