also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
