she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
