I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
