my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
