if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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