I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
