one two three fourrrrnication!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
