I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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