True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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