I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
