So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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