there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
