I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
