their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
