Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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