The maid of honor just puked.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
