Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
