I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
