i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
