I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
