Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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