Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
