When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think my moral compass just broke
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