I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
