Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
