HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The Olympian is in my bed
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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