I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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