it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
