it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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