Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
